I Never Asked God Why

I never asked God the question why did He choose to take my son. Every time the urge came I resolved that I needed God too much in the midst of my storm to be consumed with why. In addition I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to handle his answer of truth. In the midst of losing myself and my mind somehow I still had sense enough to trust Him and trust that He makes no mistakes. I didn't blame it on the devil either, because I knew that God was and still is in control. Today I ask myself a different question: why not my son? The only answer I had in the hospital is the same answer I have today: my own selfishness. It hurts so bad because I wanted him so bad from the moment I knew I had conceived. Even though it still hurts, what hurts even more is to see other women that share my pain of losing a child, especially an innocent little baby. It's a unique type of grief. The loss of a loved one is a pain that I was oblivious to before motherhood. Now I see through different eyes. My perspective has changed. I look around knowing the pain that I carry and wonder about the pain of others. Usually when people see me these days, I don't look like what I've been through. Yet reality is that death is a part of life that no one can escape. If we live, we must die.
I went to church with my sister today, and it was great. Tears streamed from my eyes as the preacher spoke my heart, confirming what God had already revealed. Although the tears resulted from revisiting my hurt, on the inside my soul finally smiled ready to consume another Rhema word. The preacher shared these words (paraphrasing):
• What the devil meant for our bad God meant for our good…
• Thou we walk through the darkness of the shadow of death we must not live or make a condo there…
• When bad news comes like a tidal wave, The Lord delivers us from it all...
• Our Testimony of what He has brought us through, we will have to share to help others...
• God is sending us to be an impactful force of hope...

Why? Not to obtain more in life. Not to get more money, cars, education, fame, stuff for family, or to live comfortably. Not to fulfill our desires, but to fulfill God’s desires. We do this in order to glorify God, be ready for Christ’s return. We do this to fulfill our great commission on earth and ascend unto heaven for eternity.
I have taken a sabbatical away from ministry training in my local church to undergo more training and developing in truth, training and development in maintaining a pure and holy passion for service and fulfillment in and unto Christ. Ministry is service. The reason why we serve is just as important as the way we serve if we are really serving Christ. My desire is that my lifestyle preaches better than my mouth ever can. It takes more than just putting on a nice church service to make God smile. Just because we are doing what society deems to be morally right doesn’t mean we are doing what God wants us to do. We have to take time out to cultivate and maintain our own personal relationship with God. We have to take time to hear,learn, and understand His will, order, and mandate for our individual lives. It's not about head knowledge or religion. It's about relationship. God’s ways are not always man’s ways. You will hear me say that often as a reminder to myself. I am in training for my life. In order for me to move forward, I need preparation to not just receive a material blessings but clearly understand, live, and relay Christ and his truth, the good news, the gospel. That’s why the death of loved ones and hardships are so life threatening because we have not been properly prepared. Don’t get me wrong even when you have some level of preparation, it’s still extremely hard, but it doesn’t have to take us out. If we live we must die and hardships will happen, and when these things occur none of the material or earthly things will matter. I started 2010 wrong, but I will end it right because of God’s grace. At the beginning of the year I set my affections on earthly things. The things I thought would help me live better and more comfortable. I desired things that would help me to be a better wife, mother, employee, sibling, daughter, and church member. Now I set my focus on REALLY prioritizing my life: Loving God first and allowing Him to lead me in how I love and share my time, gifts, and talents with others. It’s definitely a process, but it’s one that I am willing to undergo as I continue to move forward.