Time Continues to Fly

Time continues to fly. Seemingly overnight I have went from 8 weeks to 37 weeks pregnant. I'm often asked if I'm ready for our new addition. Although I say no, I really believe I am as ready as I am going to be. Last month was pretty rough. November 11 was Tre's second birthday. My mom made a beautiful fall spray that we took to his grave site. Even though it was pretty hard, looking at the other graves helped me to return to a state of gratefulness for the time I did have with my son. When we first buried Tre', he was the only baby on his row. Now he is surrounded by babies. Even though he only lived 3 months, most of the other babies (at least 7) didn't live a complete day. I cherish the memories from moments and days, I spent with him and for that I'm truly grateful. I'm also grateful for friends. Being social is still very difficult for me, so I am glad that I was able to spend time and talk with friends that have been like extended family to us over the years for Thanksgiving. It's still really hard for me to be around people or talk sometimes. From time to time it's difficult for me to focus and put words together coherently. I also just realized that I unintentionally avoid eye contact as much as possible. I believe the eyes are the key to the soul. Even though I have healed a lot and have learned to grieve well, a piece of my soul is still missing, and it still hurts. I don't want others to see or feel my pain. I don't want the baby to see or feel it either so I've tried a number of things to help me refocus on the joy of the season and childbirthing including prenatal yoga, voice lessons, shopping, putting up the Christmas tree, childbirth refresher courses, preparing the nursery, and more. After all this, I'm pretty tired, but I look forward to having a Merry Christmas and a beautiful baby.